Protecting Your Partnership Through Male Infertility

Infertility is tough for everyone, and it’s tough for men in very specific ways.  Whenever I talk about it publicly, inevitably some guy will say something like, “Well I don’t have any troubles in that department!” And I’ll think, Really? How do you know? You do regular Semen Analyses just for kicks?

Society has made some strides in relaxing rigid stereotypes, but there are still a lot of uneducated people out there (men and women), who don’t understand the difference between fertility and sexual performance. You can be God’s gift to women, and I mean all women, in every single way imaginable, and still struggle with infertility. A lot of people in the world still haven’t wrapped their heads around this. A lot of people are still working with faulty definitions of what makes a “real man”, and that’s a shame. Just be thankful you’re not one of them.

She should understand this too, and if you feel she doesn’t, speak to her about it. She may be taking some of her frustrations out on you in careless ways. On the other hand, you may be listening a little too intently to some remnant of your own wounded pride. Either reaction is understandable. What’s important is that you talk about it and get on the same page. Because what you do in these moments will likely become the template of your future together.

Infertility is also tough for men in more universal ways. You’re reading this book, so you want kids, and it’s not going as well as you had assumed it would. When the map you once got for Life doesn’t correspond to Life as it actually is on the ground, the emotional punch in the gut can be brutal. And that’s just you dealing with you. Meanwhile you also end up dealing with others who may be well-meaning but nonetheless exacerbate an already stressful situation. Like: Don’t you want kids? Or: What’s going on with those two? Or: Is it his problem or hers?   

That’s rough. It may be one of the roughest things you’ll ever face. But you know what’s even rougher in almost every case? Being a woman struggling with infertility.

That doesn’t necessarily mean you should grin and bear it if she lashes out on a hopeless day, or on one when she’s been shot up with hormones, or when she’s just impatient for something to change. Sometimes you need help too, a kind word or simply an affectionate touch. Make that gently clear when the moment’s right. Nobody is well served by you becoming a soldier here, and depending on your personality, that may be your tendency when faced with difficulties.

I’ll go even further, if only to make a point: odds are extremely high that she is occasionally a total, unrepentant nightmare. But then you likely are too. And even if you are that miraculous exception, keep in mind that although we’re trying to improve your reproductive health, we’re not actually trying to get you pregnant. That’s her. And whatever her medical situation might be, that’s a whole lot to handle, physically and emotionally – more than you’ll ever have to consider, much less feel, carry, or birth.

It’s no surprise that infertility is notorious for testing marriages to the limit, and sometimes beyond into divorce. The stress and frustration can be so intense (or so emotionally dulling) that small annoyances can become massive character flaws you decide you somehow missed when you were dating. Almost every relationship needs a bit of romance from time to time. Romance has a way of reducing those small annoyances back down to their proper size. But I’d like to see a movie director film a romantic scene of tracking ovulation cycles in order to have exhausted, uninspired sex at six in the morning before work.

I’m not saying it can’t be done. But it probably can’t be done. Nobody has ever felt like a stud in that situation. Nobody has ever been eager to be ravaged in that situation. The music has never passionately swelled to a crescendo. Even tenderness can start to seem like a fantasy. The more likely feeling is disconnection.

But here’s one all-important fact: you love this woman dearly if you want her to be the mother of your child. And whatever happens, this is a pivotal moment in your life that’s calling you to protect that all-important fact with everything you’ve got.

Let these challenging months be what forges a bond that can never be broken, come hell or high water. Pull that off, and you’ll be exactly the kind of parent your children need. They may not ever thank you for it, but they will most certainly know it. So respect yourself, but put your ego aside. Throw any notions of “fifty-fifty” you might have out the window. “Fifty-fifty” is for newlyweds still figuring out how to take out the trash. More often than not, it’s a recipe for disaster. Life gets complicated. Everyone gets their time for 80%, and their time for 20%. Hopefully you’re already doing your part by taking some of the proven steps we recommend for boosting your fertility, but whatever you’re doing is simple and straightforward compared to what she’s struggling to manage just in her own body. So step up, friend. Put your arms around her. Fix dinner. Bring home flowers, or that other thing she likes, even if the infertility is something you mostly bear. Tell her you love her, then tell her again.

But you already know all of that. You know that whatever happens, no matter how hard you struggle, the way you treat each other is going to determine your life’s happiness more than anything else. There are only two people in the world who know how to do that right for you. So that’s more than enough about your relationship from me.